Defining Boundaries

Per Dr. John Townsend, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” When we can own what it is ours to fix and control, then we can work toward change. I often see people confusing the concept of boundaries with a request of need. These are not the same and, in fact, are very different. A boundary is about YOU. What you can/will do or what you can’t/won’t do. A request of need is about another. As we have no control over another’s actions, someone refusing to comply with your request for need is not a violation of your boundaries as controlling for another’s behavior was never yours to own. To be clear, I am not suggesting that asking for your needs to be met is a bad or unhealthy thing. It is a helpful an necessary tool in interpersonal relationships. It is also not a way to set boundaries. This distinction is a subtle, yet critical nuance. To further illustrate this point, let’s juxtapose what is a ours to own versus what is outside our scope of control. Below you will see a list of boundaries versus an expression of need. Boundaries will be featured on the left and needs on the right.

Accepting or declining an RSVP vs receiving or not receiving an RSVP

Deciding to pick up after your partner/children vs asking them to pick up after themselves

Engaging in an argument vs telling your partner to stop being so rude

Working late vs telling your boss that you have too much on your plate and you would like him to hire someone else

Attending a holiday gathering vs asking your mom not to talk about politics when you come over for dinner

Recap of Topic: Defining Boundaries

In the examples provided above, I delineate the difference between a boundary, what you will or won’t do, versus an expression of need, what we need another to do or not do. Effective boundaries leave us free to make choices and decisions that govern our behavior and not attempt to govern the behavior of others. To ensure that your boundaries are within your scope of control ask yourself the following:

What choice am I making and am I free to make this choice?

Am I expecting another to make a choice so that I feel safe, appreciated, valued, etc. etc.?

Am I waiting to make a choice based on how another responds?

Setting Boundaries with Yourself

Once we can understand what a boundary is and is not, it becomes much easier to understand when we need to set a boundary with ourselves. If I’m honest, there is an argument to be made that all boundaries are with ourselves, we just tell others how it will impact them. Boundaries with ourselves can aid in self-discipline, habit setting, energy creation and relationship preservation. The following examples illustrate how boundaries can be used to attain these goals:

Setting a timer on your phone and television so that they both turn off at 10 PM to allow you to be asleep by 10:30 PM.

Choosing to keep calories dense, low nutritional food out of the home so that eating these foods is not a choice you offer yourself.

Setting an alarm on your phone to remind you of meal times.

Choosing to stay home for the weekend to rest and renew instead of going to a social event.

Choosing to set limits around what others can expect from you so that you don’t feel taken for granted.

Recap of Topic: Setting Boundaries with yourself

Setting boundaries with yourself is your first form of self-protection. These are a formal declaration that you make with yourself to denote how you want to live, feel and be treated. For some, this idea and practice of the idea may be natural. For others, this can be a genuine struggle especially if you were never taught boundaries, came from a history of enmeshed or abusive relationships, or received messaging that you could not say no. To begin setting or improving upon boundaries with yourself, ask yourself the following:

What areas of my life am I making choices that do not serve me?

What choices are available to me in these areas?

What are some small or large changes in my choices that I’m willing to make to achieve wellness?

Setting Boundaries with Others

As a therapist, the first thing I usually hear when I propose the notion of setting boundaries with others is, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” While I appreciate the sentiment, I also understand the short-sighted nature of this statement. Many people think that in failing to set boundaries, they are choosing to hold the pain in the relationship. Maybe there is a concern that the other person cannot tolerate the pain or there is a belief that you are superior in holding pain. Whatever the belief may be, the reality is that in failing to set boundaries you are removing an opportunity to live your life honestly, to allow for hardship to promote growth in others, and to allow for communication to foster intimacy. It is the nature of reality that all of us encounter boundaries. These may come in the form termination if we are constantly late for work, traffic tickets if we violate speed limit signs, or loss of freedom if we break the law. By failing to set boundaries we are actually creating a false reality that does not serve either party. Examples of setting boundaries with others could sound like:

Thank you for inviting me. I am going to remain home this weekend.

I do not wish to continue to participate in this conversation.

I will no longer pick up your dirty laundry. If you want your laundry to be washed, you must bring it to the laundry room yourself.

While I empathize with your staffing needs, I cannot work late tonight.

While you can provide an explanation for your boundaries, you are not required to do so. The example I usually provide to my clients is that the police officer seldom explains why he has to provide you with speeding ticket. Boundaries are not intended to be punitive. They are merely a statement of our limits. In the case with the speeding ticket, we know the statement of limit and consequence for speeding prior to speeding. This is why the consequence is not punitive because it is a consequence of our own choosing.

Recap of Topic: Setting boundaries with others

Setting boundaries with others is a necessary and loving behavior in our relationships . Without these, we are not honestly communicating our limits and are not allowing for the development of reciprocity. To begin setting boundaries with others, ask yourself the following:

How can I communicate what I will or will not to in a way that is not overly apologetic but also not unkind?

Is my boundary received by the other person with love and respect? If not, we may need to evaluate the safety of this relationship. We will discuss relationships in more depth in February’s Love Series newsletters.

How do I feel after setting this boundary? Anxious, relieved, guilty, stressed? It’s important to note that feeling guilty after setting a boundary IS NOT an indication that you have done something wrong.

Recommended Product of the Week

This week’s recommended product is the Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Dr. John Townsend and Henry Cloud. These authors have a series of books on boundaries to include boundaries in marriage and boundaries with children. It is important to note that these books are written from a Christian perspective. I personally recommend them as the author explains boundaries in a way that is very practical and easy to understand.