Understanding Pornography

Pornography is intended to sell a fantasy to it’s user that elicits strong feelings of lust, longing and desire. It is often a non-judgemental space to explore your desires without actually having to take on the personal risk of unprotected sex, sex with a stranger, sex with multiple people or sex in unsafe situations. In that regard, it can be a tool in exploring your interests from afar. Pornography is also a distorted representation of sex because it is trying to project a fantasy. Let’s consider some basic ways in which this is a true statement.

No one ever gets a cramp or has to change position due to an unexpected charlie horse.

No one ever complains of dryness and needing lubrication.

No one complains about the angle, depth of penetration, or even asks the other person to do something different. This is especially true for women.

No one taps out because their legs are on fire or they need to pee.

No one ever complains that you are on their hair.

No one ever farts of complains that they have had too much to eat and can’t sustain pressure on their abdomen.

No one ever complains about standing on one leg like a flamingo to get the best shot.

The actors are super excited and effusive in their sounds and behaviors.

There are never issues with sexual functioning and the women orgasm every time.

Words of love and affection are never shared.

Sustained eye contact and gentle caresses or acts of affection are not present.

Pornography is the equivalent to air-brushing a photograph in a magazine. The natural imperfections and humanity that you typically see during sex are missing. Moreover, pornography addresses only one aspect of sex: sexual gratification. It does not address the bond and connection that sex can create between two people and instead depicts sex as a performance. Pornography is a movie scene between two adults who are acting out or performing a sexual fantasy.

Recap of Topic: Understanding Pornography

Pornography is an acted out sexual fantasy between two consenting adults. Like any other movie, it is edited, re-shot, directed and faked. Fun fact, both men and women fake orgasms while shooting scenes and pina colada mix is sometimes used to simulate ejaculate. Pornography addresses one aspect of sex: sexual gratification. It does not show the imperfections of sex or the love that can be created through sex.

Understanding Sexual Values Created From Pornography Use

Most of my clients are surprised when I ask them about the sexual values they developed from watching pornography. They usually state that they didn’t learn anything and maintain this position until I ask targeted questions like:

What did you learn about the female’s readiness to have sex?

What did you learn about the purpose of sex?

What did you learn about each partner’s orgasmic ability?

What did you learn about the male’s role during sex?

The next response I usually hear after asking these questions is, “Oh.” Suddenly there is an understanding that, while unintended, beliefs were formed by watching pornographic content. Depending on the age when use began, the beliefs can be well-formed and may have never been evaluated. Specifically, I recommend that clients assess for value distortions in the following areas:

Sexual performance: What beliefs do you have about how you should perform during sex? Are you supposed to please your partner? Is your partner supposed to please you? Do you ever feel as though sex is a performance and you are acting for the benefit of your partner? I encourage you to reflect on what aspects of sex, if any, feel like a performance to you. I have frequently heard from female clients that they feel as though sex is a type of performance intended to please their partner to increase their perception of value.

Sexual functioning: How are you supposed to function sexually? Are you supposed to orgasm every time? Is your partner? Are you supposed to obtain an erection immediately and maintain it for as long as you want? I often find shame based thinking and anxiety surrounding beliefs pertaining to sexual performance for both men and women. In my work, I have found that my male clients tend to have the most shame based thinking regarding sexual functioning. The ability to obtain and maintain an erection along with the ability to achieve orgasm is often conflated with self-worth. If you hold similar beliefs, know that this value distortion is very common.

Sexual engagement: How often should sex be happening? Should my partner want to have sex as often as I want or when I want? If you notice that you hold beliefs regarding frequency of sex (i.e. we should have sex three times a week), I encourage you to reflect on where this belief is coming from and what makes it true.

Sexual transition: How should sex occur? When you ask for sex should your partner want to have sex immediately or at least want to try? Pornography never demonstrates a natural sexual transition that occurs between couples in long-term relationships. In a previous edition, I discussed that sexual arousal in long-term relationships is usually a by-product of the connection both partners are feeling toward one another.

Recap of Topic: Sexual Values Created from Pornography

It is not uncommon to develop sexual values and beliefs associated with pornography use. If unrealized and unchallenged, these values can cause shame based thinking and sexual dysfunction. To determine if you hold value distortions associated with sex, I encourage my clients to reflect on their beliefs pertaining to sexual performance, sexual functioning, sexual engagement, and sexual transition.

Understanding the Impact of Value Distortions on Your Sexual Relationship

I have seen value distortions cause marked distress in many couple’s sexual relationships. These dynamics can exist for years and may be difficult to course correct. In more severe scenarios, I actually direct couples to stop having sex and define forms of non-triggering physical intimacy so that anxious responses can be extinguished. Below I describe four common scenarios and some suggestions for recovering from this dynamic.

Over-thinker: My over thinking clients typically struggle with anxiety pertaining to sexual performance or sexual functioning. A common example here is a male client who struggles with erectile functioning. In lieu of talking about this with his partner, he may choose to feel ashamed and avoid sex in the future. I have also seen this in my female clients who want to experience an orgasm because their partner expresses a desire for them to do so. Focusing on achieving an orgasm can and does make it more challenging, if not impossible. For my over-thinkers, I usually encourage open and honest communication with your partner about what you are experiencing during and after sex. I also recommend practicing what I call “the pivot”. The pivot is basically a redirection of focus during sex to another activity thereby reducing pressure. For example, if the male partner is struggling with maintaining an erection, the couple can pivot to oral sex, kissing, touching or toys thereby allowing for the possibility that the erection may recover on it’s own.

Pressure vs performance. When couples are exhibiting this dynamic, one partner is usually pushing for something that the other partner is not fully comfortable with. This can lead to efforts to please resulting in feelings of distress or resentment. I have seen this take many forms from the addition of another person in the bedroom to the use of toys and bondage. In these situations, I recommended that neither partner engage in a sexual act unless their yes is an enthusiastic yes. If there is any uncertainty, I ask couples to slow down and allow for additional conversations around the request prior to proceeding.

Boundary crossing: Boundary crossing occurs when one person knowingly does something that he or she understands is against their partner’s expressed wishes. This could be taking a photograph of their partner while nude, pushing for a sexual act that is known to be off-putting to their partner or pressuring their partner to have sex through verbal and non-verbal means of retaliation. Boundary crossing is usually an issue that needs to be addressed in counseling. I always recommend that both partners create and maintain their authentic boundaries for sex.

Pursuer distancer. I saved this one for last because this is, by far, one of the hardest ruts for a couple to recover from. In prolonged pursuer distancer dynamics, one partner is pushing for or seeking sex from another partner who is avoiding sex. In it’s most severe form, I hear statements like, “I’d be happy if I never had sex again” and
“If I don’t push for this, we will never have sex.” Often times in the pursuer distancer dynamic, the distancer has agreed to sex in the past when he or she did not want to. The pursuer usually knows that the distancer does not want to have sex and describes their partner as lifeless during sex. Over time, this turns into resentment, anxiety and low to non-existent libido. The distancer will even avoid non-sexual touch for fear that this may lead to a sexual situation. This dynamic requires counseling. I have never seen it fixed without the intervention of a therapist. This dynamic also may require a break for sex to allow for physical intimacy to be rebuilt with mutual understanding and respect. If you are in a pursuer distancer relationship with sex, I highly encourage you to seek help from a qualified couple’s counselor.

Recap of Topic: The Impact of Value Distortions

Over time, value distortions pertaining to sex can take a significant toll on a couple’s relationship. The distress created from a strained sexual relationship can bleed into other areas of the couple’s relationship making their day-to-day interactions more challenging. In my work with couples, I have noticed four common scenarios that are created from value distortions. I describe those as the over-thinker, pressure vs performance, boundary crossing and the pursuer distancer. Depending on the severity of the situation, couples and/or individual counseling may be a necessary part of recovery.

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