If you are in a partner relationship, can you recall the story of your first date? Where did you go and what did you do? How did you feel on your date? Were you nervous, excited, guarded, or curious? Once you got past the first date, what sort of things did you and your partner do while you were courting? Did you go to the movies or bowling? Did you travel or stay the night away at an air bnb? When you think of your courtship, when do you remember laughing? Was it easy to laugh? Most of the couples I meet with describe their courtship and time of getting to know one another fondly. They often smile while recalling their first couple of dates and sometimes even blush when talking about what they liked about each other. For most new couples, play comes easily. The excitement of exploring the world around you and sharing this experience with another person is infectious.
In my work with couples, I frequently find that the lack of play hinders the couple from connecting as they once did. They come into my office seeking help with communication and wondering why they no longer have sex. While these issues can and do take on a life of their own, they are often compounded by a marked reduction in the couple’s willingness to play. Long-term relationships require an exhaustive and endless amount of work. Like the engine in a car, without proper maintenance, the engine will burn out. When couples play together, they hit pause on the stressors in their lives and reconnect as they did when they were first falling in love. In this week’s newsletter, we are going to examine reasons why play becomes devalued, evaluate the importance of maintaining play in your relationship and identify ways to incorporate play on a regular basis.
What You Will Learn This Week
Reasons why play is devalued in a relationship
The benefits of play for a relationship
Suggestions for incorporating play into a relationship
Recommended resource for the week
Reasons Why Play is Devalued in a Relationship
In last week’s newsletter, I discussed internal values for play. I proposed that when play is viewed as nice to have and not necessary to have it is unlikely that it will be a priority. This applies doubly so for a couple relationship as you are navigating two individual’s stressors, schedules and responsibilities. If both partners are not aligned in prioritizing play, it simply does not happen. Below we will examine the common reasons I see as a couple’s therapist for the lack of play in relationships.
Children. Children are wonderful blessings. I have three of my own and would kill and die for each of them. They are also the most exhausting, time-consuming, soul crushing responsibility another human being can take on. The responsibilities of parenting are never ending and often continue even when the child(ren) are asleep. I never understood and appreciated the quote, “It takes a village to raise a child,” more than when I had my first child. Finding consistent childcare support, is a genuine struggle for many parents.
Exhaustion. Working parents are tired. I would like to tell you that this will end in a few years but my oldest is 14 years old and my youngest is 15 months old. Depending on the day, they can each require similar amounts of energy from me. It’s hard to convince yourself to leave the house or plan an event with your partner when all you want to do is sleep.
Resentment. As the years go by and the hurts get bigger, being willing to lower your guard with your partner may be a real issue. I find that couple’s frequently stuck in cycles of negativity and reactivity, do not play together, especially one-on-one. Unfortunately, this perpetuates a cycle of negativity without repair.
Lack of prioritization. As previously stated, if play is nice to have but not need to have, it simply will not happen. It is very easy to postpone play in favor of all the other noble tasks beckoning for your attention. House cleaning, working, maintaining friendships, caring for aging parents and shuffling children to and from are examples of some of these noble tasks. You may be inclined to think that play cannot happen when you are struggling to find time to complete your overflowing to-do list. It’s important to remember that your relationship pays the price for this through diminished connection, focus and joy.
Health. If you are with someone long enough, health will invariably become an issue for one or both partners. Challenges with your health in the form of diminished mobility, chronic pain, and constant fatigue will impact your ability to play. It is not unusual for physical illness to create mental illness in the form of anxiety and depression. This further compounds the issue and can present as lack of interest, fatigue, indecision and irritability.
Recap of Topic: Reasons Why Play is Devalued
Creating space for play in a couple relationship, requires the commitment of both partners. There will always be other tasks that one or both partners can say yes to and, without intent, play will not be one of them. Amongst the myriad of responsibilities vying for priority, children, exhaustion, resentment, lack of prioritization and health are primary distractions.
The Benefits of Play for Your Relationship
Long-term relationships require constant work and none are immune from conflict, hurt feelings, resentment, and distance. When you add in the stressors of life, maintaining a close, loving and committed relationship is truly a miraculous accomplishment. While there are many choices that contribute to the creation of this miracle, maintaining play in your relationship is absolutely one of them. Below, we will explore some of the benefits play can offer a couple relationship.
Play assists with conflict resolution. Just recently I had a couple that I was working with share a hilarious story with me about a fight they had. The husband, known for his frequent interruptions during his wife’s stories, gave into a moment of enthusiasm and, yet again, interrupted his wife. This time, instead of getting angry or critical of the behavior, the wife simply pretended to be holding a water bottle the couple use for training their cats. She pretended to squirt him with the water bottle while saying his name followed by, “no, no.” Even when recalling the story, both of them devolved into a fit of giggles. I have heard countless stories like this over the years. Humor softens conflict in a way that nothing else can.
Play provides grace. If we consider the example above, we can see how this would be true. In lieu of causing hurt feelings and frustration, a playful comment allowed the couple to move through and past the interaction without it becoming an issue. Play can also extend grace forward and backward. I have experienced this in my own marriage. On more than one occasion, play has allowed me to release a minor hurt that I have been holding on to and file it away as inconsequential. With a commitment to regular play, couples can heal minor injuries or soften potential conflict with minimal effort.
Play promotes physical and emotional intimacy. Several weeks ago, I discussed the importance of creating an interaction that lends to physical intimacy versus focusing on the creation of physical intimacy. When a couple is bonding, laughing and playing, physical and emotional intimacy are natural by-products.
Play interjects novelty and excitement. For most of us, life is monotonous. We have somewhat predictable schedules and routines that govern our daily activities. While essential for productivity and efficiency, these routines can also be stressful and boring. When you and your partner create space to play together, you get an opportunity to live unscripted. This freedom can infuse your relationship with vitality and newness.
Recap of Topic: Benefits of Play for Your Relationship
Play offers enormous short and long-term benefits to a couple’s relationship. Not only can play soften conflict and heal minor relational injuries, a regular commitment to play can stave off resentment and boredom. While play requires a commitment of time and occasionally money, you will either spend this time playing or your will spend this time arguing and struggling to create intimacy. For these reasons, play is an essential nutrient to long-term relational satisfaction.
Suggestions for Incorporating Play into Your Relationship
Similar to last week, we are going to explore suggestions for play that you and your partner can do as stand alone or paired with everyday activities. If your schedules and resources don’t allow for day long adventures, then start smaller. Consider creating 15-30 minutes of play time with your partner every day even if this is paired with already existing activities. After a week, regroup with your partner to ask about his or her perspective of the impact play had on your relationship.
Stand Alone Play Ideas
Paired Play Ideas
Play a board game or cards.
Name that tune- play a game of name that tune and pair it with driving or cooking.
Play a co-op video game or share controller time.
Dance- pair with cooking or doing chores.
Watch or attend a comedy show or movie.
Riddles- riddles can be found in abundance online and can be easily paired with driving and eating.
Play a sport together (i.e. pickle ball, tennis, kick ball).
Awful pick-up lines- These funny one-liners can be found online and can be paired with bathroom breaks and meals.
Plan a play date. Suggestions for this include, but are not limited to, bowling, skating, going to the arcade, and go-kart racing.
Tell jokes- jokes can also be found online and can be paired with driving and meals.
Plan an adventure together. This can be as big as planning a trip to another country or as small as camping out in the backyard.
Listen to a comedy show- pair with driving, especially on long trips.
Go out dancing.
Attend a concert.
Take the dog for a walk or to the dog park together.
Recap of Topic: Suggestions for Incorporating Play
When you are intentional about incorporating play into your relationship, you and your partner can come up with creative ideas that do not require an abundance of money. Often times, I will ask couples to generate a list of ideas together and pick from that list at random. The ways in which you and your partner play together will be unique and specific to you. How you play together is much less important than how often you play together. Making play time a habit, will offer preventive care for your relationship that will save you time and heartache in the future.
Recommended Product of the Week
This week’s recommended product(s) is the DateBox Club subscription. DateBoxes are themed and revolve around things like a DIY project, game night, a cooking activity, or a fun couple’s challenge. The box theme is woven throughout the experience and fully planned. Boxes also include a thoughtful gift, delicious treats, communication exercises, or another surprise for that month!