Common Myths Associated with Self-Compassion

Most people don’t have any problem with seeing compassion as a thoroughly commendable quality. It seems to refer to an amalgam of unquestionably good qualities: kindness, mercy, tenderness, benevolence, understanding, empathy, and sympathy, along with an impulse to help other living creatures, human or animal, in distress. But we seem less sure about self-compassion. For many, it is associated with constructs such as self-pity, self-serving, self-indulgent, self-centered, just plain selfish. Not only does self-compassion help us avoid the inevitable consequences of harsh self-judgment-depression, anxiety and stress- it also engenders a happier and more hopeful approach to life. More pointedly, research proves false many of the common myths about self-compassion that keep us trapped in relentless self-criticism. The information in this section can be found in an article written by Kristen Neff entitled, “The Five Myths of Self-Compassion.”

1. Self-compassion is a form of self-pity. One of the biggest myths about self-compassion is that it means feeling sorry for yourself. In fact, self-compassion is an antidote to self-pity and the tendency to whine about our bad luck. This isn’t because self-compassion allows you to tune out the bad stuff; in fact, it makes us more willing to accept, experience, and acknowledge difficult feelings with kindness—which paradoxically helps us process and let go of them more fully. Research shows that self-compassionate people are less likely to get swallowed up by self-pitying thoughts about how bad things are. That’s one of the reasons self-compassionate people have better mental health.

2. Self-compassion means weakness. Researchers are discovering that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience available to us. When we go through major life crises, self-compassion appears to make all the difference in our ability and survive and even thrive. David Sbarra and his colleagues at the University of Arizona examined whether self-compassion helps determine how well people adjust to a divorce. The researchers invited more than 100 people recently separated from their spouses to come into the lab and make a four-minute stream-of-consciousness recording of their thoughts and feelings about the separation experience. Four trained judges later coded how self-compassionate these discussions were, using a modified version of the Self-Compassion Scale. They gave low scores to participants who said things like “I don’t know how I managed to do this. It was all my fault. I pushed him away for some reason. I needed him so much, still need him. What did I do? I know I did it all wrong.” High scores were given to people who said things like “Looking back, you have to take the best out of it and move on from there. Just forgive yourself and your ex for everything you both did or didn’t do.” The researchers found that participants who displayed more self-compassion when talking about their breakup evidenced better psychological adjustment to the divorce at the time, and that this effect persisted nine months later.

3. Self-compassion will make me complacent. Perhaps the biggest block to self-compassion is the belief that it’ll undermine our motivation to push ourselves to do better. The idea is that if we don’t criticize ourselves for failing to live up to pour standards, we’ll automatically succumb to defeatism. Research experiments by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen of the University of California at Berkeley examined whether helping undergraduate students to be more self-compassionate would motivate them to engage in positive change. In one study, participants were asked to recall a recent action they felt guilty about—such as cheating on an exam, lying to a romantic partner, saying something harmful—that still made them feel bad about themselves when they thought about it. Next, they were randomly assigned to one of three conditions. In the self-compassion condition, participants were instructed to write to themselves for three minutes from the perspective of a compassionate and understanding friend. In the second condition, participants were instructed to write about their own positive qualities; and in the third, they wrote about a hobby they enjoyed. These two control conditions helped differentiate self-compassion from positive self-talk and positive mood in general. The researchers found that participants who were helped to be self-compassionate about their recent transgression reported being more motivated to apologize for the harm done and more committed to not repeating the behavior again than those in the control conditions. Self-compassion, far from being a way to evade personal accountability, actually strengthens it.

4. Self-compassion is narcissistic. Self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Although they’re both linked to psychological well-being, self-esteem is a positive evaluation of self-worth, while self-compassion isn’t a judgment or an evaluation at all. Instead, self-compassion is way of relating to ourselves with kindness and acceptance-especially when we fail or feel inadequate. Self-esteem requires feeling good about ourselves and possibly better than others. Self-compassion requires acknowledging that we share the human condition of imperfection.

5. Self-compassion is selfish. Many people are suspicious of self-compassion because they conflate it with selfishness. Unfortunately, the ideal of being modest, self-effacing, and caring for the welfare of others often comes with the corollary that we must treat ourselves badly. This is especially true for women, who, research indicates, tend to have slightly lower levels of self-compassion than men, even while they tend to be more caring, empathetic, and giving toward others. Perhaps this isn’t so surprising, given that women are socialized to be caregivers—selflessly to open their hearts to their husbands, children, friends, and elderly parents—but aren’t taught to care for themselves. The irony is that being good to yourself actually helps you be good to others, while being bad to yourself only gets in the way.

Recap of Topic: Common Myths About Self-Compassion

In order to practice self-compassion, me must first explore the mental barriers or myths that we carry regarding it. Some see self-compassion as a form of selfishness, narcissism or a lack of accountability. Research suggests that the practice of self-compassion actually helps us to attend to the needs of others with more tenderness and empathy. Moreover, self-compassion helps to sustain us in our ongoing efforts to care for the needs of others in our lives.

Practicing Self-Compassion

There are lots of specific exercises available online that will help you to practice self-compassion in a way that suits you. We’ll cover some of these in more detail, but most have the same general approach. The following information was taken from Positive Psychology.com.

1. Treat yourself like a friend. One good place to start is by thinking about how you would treat others that you care about. So, while we can’t always take away others’ pain, we can validate its existence and provide support to help them get through it and grow. In this respect:

   • Let yourself make mistakes. Self-kindness and common humanity tap into two separate but related ideas: “We’re human. But a) so is everybody else, and b) that’s okay.” Rather than interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can let ourselves off the hook when we might do the same for others. If a friend gets lazy and doesn’t answer your phone call, you probably won’t instantly assume they’re a bad person. Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to accept your flaws and remind yourself that you’re not alone in being imperfect (Abrams, 2017).

   • Care for yourself as you’d treat others. Closely related to the previous tip, this is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you might physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Neff describes these as ways of tapping into our own ‘caregiving system’ to release oxytocin which has beneficial cardiovascular effects (Hamilton, 2010). Along with tender, forgiving language (even using terms of endearment to yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart”), these gestures can lead us to feeling self-kindness even if we’re initially reluctant. Try not to go overboard with the endearing terms if it feels too odd, of course!

2. Becoming more self-aware. Other techniques relate to being more self-aware and tapping into our self-talk. Compared to ‘beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up’, becoming aware of our internal narratives is a positive starting point for changing our self-talk.

   • Use ‘Releasing Statements’. Maybe you’ve never been a big fan of positive affirmations. Maybe they don’t feel natural, or you believe they don’t quite ‘reach’ your Inner Critic at a subconscious level (Wood et al., 2009). If that’s the case, you might try what is colloquially referred to as ‘releasing statements. These are closely related (if not equivalent) to mini exercises in self-forgiveness and tap into the mindfulness concept of detached non-judgment. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and ‘releasing’ yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”.

   • Try self-acceptance. This means embracing your own perceived shortcomings as well as your character strengths (Morgado et al., 2014). Self-compassion is about not over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are—rather, thoughts and feelings are behaviors and states (Neff, 2010).

   • Practice mindfulness. Harvard Healthbeat (2019) suggests that mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core constructs, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. Kirstin Neff also recommends guided nurturing meditations, including body scans and a short ‘Self-Compassion Break’.

   • Try not to judge yourself too quickly. Another tip from DiPirro is to stop assuming you’ll behave a certain way. It’s easy to assume things like “I get really grumpy and antisocial on flights”, which sometimes precludes the possibility that you’ll act a different way. This is once again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

3. Gaining Perspective. From here, we can also zoom out to remind ourselves once more that we’re connected to others. That we’re part of a much bigger picture—common humanity—and adjust our focus accordingly. Here are some example tips:

   • Let go of the need for outside validation. Author Dani DiPirro of Stay Positive, The Positively Present Guide to Life suggests that lots of our negative thinking come from how others perceive us. If we’re beating ourselves up for eating something, for instance, a lot of that self-directed anger stems from social pressures, like the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences can thus be an act of self-kindness with a much larger knock-on effect (Neff, 2011). If this idea is interesting to you, there’s more in this self-reliance article.

   • Reaching out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing your feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realize that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of connectedness, reframing our perceived problems within the ‘bigger picture’, and building social support networks that are invaluable to wellbeing.

Recap of Topic: Practicing Self-Compassion

If you wanted to learn to play the piano, your teacher would say, “practice, practice, practice.” If self-compassion is a new skill for you, it will be essential for you to practice a new way of talking to, thinking about and relating to yourself. In psychology terms, this is called creating an alternative neural pathway. Your old ways of talking to yourself are deeply ingrained and automatic. They require no practice because they have already been established. A new self-paradigm will require a conscious effort to cultivate but comes with the added benefit of resilience and self-acceptance.

11 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice

Try these if you’re a believer in the power of affirmations, and use them to replace self-criticism or remind yourself to be kind to Number One.

1. I accept the best and worst aspects of who I am.

2. Changing is never simple but it’s easier if I stop being hard on myself.

3. My mistakes just show that I’m growing and learning.

4. It’s okay to make mistakes and forgive myself.

5. I am free to let go of others’ judgments.

6. It’s safe for me to show kindness to myself.

7. I deserve compassion, tenderness, and empathy from myself.

8. I release myself with forgiveness from today and move forward with self-love to tomorrow.

9. Every day is a new opportunity. I won’t let self-doubt or judgment hold me back from the future.

10. I forgive myself and accept my flaws because nobody is perfect.

11. I’m not the first person to have felt this way, and I won’t be the last, but I’m growing.

Find more of these from here, this source, and Louise Hay’s official site, which inspired them.

^{Recommended Product of the Week}

This week’s recommended product(s) is the book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff. Dr. Neff’s extraordinary book offers exercises and action plans for dealing with every emotionally debilitating struggle enabling you to achieve your highest potential.